black cloud · cats · personal crisis · prayer · thanks

The second goodbye was the hardest – farewell my Chaucer and welcome Murder Mittens

gotta check out these books100_0064

img_0187After Dante died last year, Chaucer became an only-kitty. I briefly entertained the idea of adopting another cat or two so he would have a friend…but he seemed to expand to fill up all the spaces in the house that were empty. He was already a champion reading buddy and upped his game by plastering himself down my front whenever I sat down to read. He kept up a vigorous schedule of garnering people food, doing his tricks for treats, and napping.

He napped a lot.


In April, I came home from work and found Chaucer behind the bed. He was asleep. And  wouldn’t come out when I refilled his food bowl (strangely, he hadn’t eaten anything). He would purr, if I reached behind the bed to pet him, but he wouldn’t come out. It was Good Friday.

Saturday morning, he was still behind the bed. He wouldn’t come out to eat, or eat a treat, or cheese, or bit of tuna fish I put down there with him. When I finally dragged him out and blocked up behind the headboard Chaucer just sat and cried and cried and cried until I let him get back behind the bed. He was still there when I came back from work. His food hadn’t been touched and he hadn’t used the litter box.


I called the emergency vet in tears and they told me to bring him in immediately. He peed in the carrier in the car – a very foul-smelling urine. On examination, the vet found a significant heart murmur, where Chaucer had never had one before, and a mass in his belly.


I knew, when I called the vet, that it was unlikely that I would be able to keep my Chaucer any longer. He was clearly in pain and trying to tell me it was time. This was it. The veterinary service at Bright Eyes and Bushy Tails was once again the absolute best I could wish for. They let me sit with Chaucer until I was ready for them to start the infusion, then it only took seconds for my Chaucer to be gone. The vet and his assistant sat with me while I held his little body, and his woobie, and let me tell them about the night I brought Chaucer and Dante home. Where Chaucer got his name, from a secondary character’s horrible cat in Elizabeth Bevarly’s The Wedding. That he had to have abdominal surgery to remove a blockage when he was 18 months old because he’d eaten a thread and many other things (including the spare wire for the cheese slicer – that’s radiopaque, luckily) and then got a wound infection because he wouldn’t take his antibiotics. That he would sit in the bedroom window of our old condo and watch for me to come home and if the window img_1905was open I could hear him meow down at me as I walked from the car. That he was the chattiest cat and would “talk” to you or at you. That he would pat the pantry door and meow when I asked him where the treats lived then do a trick to get his treats. That he thought the treat dispenser was the meanest trick of ever. That he would loudly haunt the kitchen while I cooked. That he thought he was a people and liked to sit at the table during mealtimes. That he ate Golden Grahams like they were going out of style. That he was obsessed with Clean Sheet day. That he had a love affair with my desk lamp. That one of his main objectives was to sneak into the closet and hide in the laundry hamper. That he hid whenever I had handymen into do work in the house while Dante would try and make friends with them, the reverse of what happened with friends. That he made excellent blanket nests. That he was the loudest barfer on earth. That he was an absolute stoner on catnip. That he was the best snuggler. That he was the best cat I could have ever wished for. They were so kind.


It was very early on Easter Sunday when I paid the bill and drove home to a house that was miserably empty. It was too quiet – not the quiet of “the cat is sleeping” or “the cat is silently getting into trouble.” This was a quiet that was stark and empty and eerily silent. I hated it. Nobody yelled at me to feed him when I opened the door. Nobody talked shit to the birds and squirrels in the backyard. Nobody yowled at the top of his lungs while dragging his woobie around the house (his woobie was a ratty blue puffball on a spring that he liberated from a toy when he was a kitten). Nobody tried to drink out of my coffee mug at breakfast (or water glass or wine glass or beer, etc etc etc).



c75f7a9c-1694-45d3-bec2-d2587216c9e8And I couldn’t write about it. Every time I opened this draft I would start sobbing and have to stop. It has taken months to get it all written down, to give Chaucer a tribute that he deserves because he really was the best cat. A snuggly weirdo who photographed well in the social media era. I loved how much he made people smile. I have thousands of pictures of my silly goofball. The outpouring of good wishes carried me through the first weeks. And I felt guilty, that grieving Chaucer was almost paralyzing. It hurt more than grieving Dante and that didn’t seem fair. It just…sucked…on a spiritual level, that I only got to have my Chaucer Stinky-pants for fifteen and a half years, that I couldn’t keep him forever.

These are two of my favorite pictures of Chaucer, both printed and framed on the mantel.


When I came back from vacation at the end of May, I started looking at the kittens and young cats available for adoption in various rescues and shelters. No one really stood out to me (plus it was hard to tell from the sites which cats could be adopted as pairs, since I wanted two cats again). Then I heard from a mutual friend that a former co-worker had a family member with kittens just ready to adopt. So I DM’d Lily, and we texted back and forth a bit, and yes, there were still three kittens in that litter who needed a home. I chose two of the kittens based on the pictures she sent – a fluffy beige tabby and a mottled gray fuzzball without a tail who looked to be a budding tortie. I was originally going to pick them up on Memorial Day, but it turned out they weren’t weaned, yet, so we decided to wait a few more weeks. Another gal who was also adopting two kittens from the litter offered to pick mine up as well in mid-June.


1b411e95-e7f1-4d5f-95ff-df8e1d5f9d96And so, on June 10 – a day when I miraculously didn’t get scheduled to work at the store – I drove over to her apartment and met my not-quite-seven-weeks-old babies. I indeed had a beige tabby – a boy – and a gorgeous gray-and-cream tortie girl, without a tail so someone has some Manx or something in her. They are both gloriously fluffy, so I get to try my hand with long-haired cats. The boy had (unfortunately) just finished a bath when I got there bc one of the kittens had done an oopsie in the carrier and he got into it. My girl had not (atta girl). So my new boy got to ride home wrapped in a towel and tucked down the front of my hoodie – he shivered for a while, but by the time we pulled into the garage he was purring and making biscuits. The girl napped for a bit then made peeping noises the rest of the way home. They were both a little apprehensive when I let them loose in the basement but after a visit to the litter box and a full belly of kitten chow they both passed out.


I had been musing on names for a few days, not sure if I had boys or girls or one of each. I went back to a back-up name I had when I adopted Chaucer and Dante, in case one of them had turned out female. One of the first women to write for the English stage – and make a career out of it – was Aphra Behn in the seventeenth century, author of The Rover and Oroonoko (and also probably a spy for Charles II). So my tortie girl, with her tiny torti-tude and pugnacious off-center chin patch, would be Aphra. What name would match her? I thought about other Restoration playwrights – Etheredge, Dryden, Congreve, Farquhar (yikes) – but kept coming back to the most famous playwright of all, a little earlier in the century, William Shakespeare. Strangely, it seemed to fit. So Aphra and Shakespeare came to stay (I had planned to nickname him Bard, since Shakespeare seemed like a mouthful, but that didn’t stick.)

3523cb4e-1916-4968-9df6-7cb4f035d598My house is filled with purring and squeaking again. Aphra and Shakespeare turn three months old today, July 19. I had forgotten how curious and stubborn kittens are. They jail-broke out of the downstairs bathroom about 24 hours after they arrived home, forcing me to find a better solution than the baby gate I borrowed from a neighbor (I bought a 6’x3′ sheet of plexiglass that I could put across the bathroom doorway or move back to barricade the hallway and let them have the run of the basement). I had to put no-chew spray on the electrical cords and no-pee spray in a few corners (Shakespeare had an incident of stress-peeing in inappropriate places after a few too many visitors one day). When they sit still long enough, they are the softest kittens I’ve ever petted; Shakespeare especially feels like you’re petting a fluffy cloud. They purr the loudest, rumbliest purrs for two-pound kittens. Shakespeare is a loud-mouthed goofball who gets hyper-stoned on catnip and likes to comfort-nurse on my shirt when he’s tired. Aphra is an independent little mite with the tiniest meow, freckled toe beans, and her funny little puff-ball bunny butt (she turned out to be a “stumpy” not a “rumpy”) who likes to sit on the headrest behind me and “groom” my hair. They quickly caught onto the routine of human comes home and feeds them, goes up and changes clothes, then comes back down to sit on the couch and read or watch a movie with the foot-rest up (they love lounging on the foot-rest between my knees). They come by for scratchies in between rounds of Kitten Wrestlemania, Zoomies, and naps and have been finding toys (and years-old containers of basil) Chaucer and Dante had hidden under the furniture.


They are collectively known as the Murder Mittens! Kittens are very spiky – razor-sharp baby claws and sharp, sharp, sharp baby teeth – and at one point I tried to say “you’re such murdery kittens!” but it came out “You are murder mittens!” And it stuck. Apparently, “murder mittens” is a thing – there’s a hashtag on Instagram for cats’ paws – I didn’t invent it but it’s so apt!



I hadn’t realized how sad I was after Chaucer died (I knew I was sad but this was a new level of sad, bordering a bit on depression). Once the kittens arrived I started feeling lighter and less alone and more relaxed. Even if I traded my snoozy snuggle-bug for two anarchists who are bent on setting the house on fire. There’s a lot of “Aphra, no!” and “Shakespeare, stop that!” but I love it.


I miss my boys. They were my first pets and solely in my care from the time they were eight weeks old. I turned into an adult with them – I started my job, bought my condo, adopted my boys, and graduated with my Master’s degree all between August and December of 2003. I will always miss my kitty-boys but now I think the jagged edges of that missing feeling are starting to smooth over. In a strange cosmic sense of balance, the Murder Mittens were born as my Chaucer was leaving this world. It feels like fate that they came to me.

Chaucer – mama loves you and misses you like crazy every day. Thank you for being my Chaucer-kitteh for so many years. Be at peace, my very best boy. Dante is waiting for you.

In memoriam, Chaucer Ward, September 1 (?), 2003 – April 20, 2019

black cloud · cats · personal crisis · prayer · thanks

I would like to tell you about a little beige kitty named Dante

gotta check out these booksI adopted Dante and his brother Chaucer when they were about eight weeks old. On a rainy night right before Halloween 2003. From a farm, during which visit someone (not me) had to shoot a possum that got into the barn.

Dante and Chaucer were part of a litter of five boys: a big gray kitten, two orange kittens, a brown/gray striped kitten, and a kitten so light beige he was champagne-colored. When the striped kitten immediately laid belly-up on my foot I knew he was my Chaucer (I had that name picked out years ago), but it took a bit to decide which of the other kittens I would take. Then I realized the little champagne-colored kitten was being pushed away from the food by the bigger kittens. So I decided that he would be mine, too. He needed a name to match Chaucer so I named him Dante.

IMG_4267He grew up from a tiny one-pound fluff ball into a rather round-in-the-middle cat, with dainty, turned-in front paws and a slim tail. His coat darkened to a solid beige color with darker stripes on his legs, tail, and tabby “M” on his forehead. He had the softest fur to snuggle. He loved having “brain” and chin scritches. Lots of them.

He loved his toys, usually the ones his brother was playing with first, with emphasis on the cheapest things around: cardboard boxes and milk jug rings. He had special dislike for the “kitty in the mirror” who frequently talked smack and needed correcting. Dante and Chaucer frequently napped in a little kitty pile, the way that sibs often do, and they loved all the soft furnishings, especially my bed (even under the covers).

IMG_1047He was the one who would give me kisses when I held him. Even if he was also gifted with the nickname “Hissy Pants” since he would be the first to hiss when annoyed, particularly as he aged. (He also got called Baby Kitty, since he liked to be held burp-a-baby style.) He had this weird meow that sounded like “moo” so sometimes I would moo back.

Dante both equally loved and hated the “got your tail” game, which involved me touching the very tip of his tail. He would growl and pull his tail away….then start purring and lay his tail back over my hand to do it all over again. He had the best purr and was a champion snuggler. But he didn’t like my friends or family that much. He always had to let you know it was his house. Unless you were the piano tuner, electricians, plumber, or cable persons – those guys were always presented with his tummy to rub.

IMG_1971Did I mentioned he had the softest fur? He hated having it brushed, with any kind of brush. He yowled so loud I worried the neighbors would think I was murdering someone. Unless I was trying to trim his claws – then it sounded like I was being murdered.

He wasn’t very fond of cat treats or even his food (though he was usually first in line come mealtimes) but he loved people food. Especially cheese – the sharper and greasier the better. He could hear me open the deli drawer in the refrigerator – even if he were sound asleep in the basement – and come running to wind around my ankles and beg for cheese. I only ever gave him small crumbs, though. Cheese isn’t the best food item for cats. To offset his gourmet tastes Dante would drink water out of the bathtub after I finished showering.

IMG_1544He loved to sit on a chair by my desk and look out the window, chattering at the birds in the backyard. I suspect he chose this spot because it just happened to be over the furnace grate in that room because he also liked to sit with his face over the grate in the bathroom when the furnace was running. He loathed car rides, which is unsurprising being an indoor cat. Unfortunately that is where this story ends – a car ride to the vet.

Friday night I came home from work to find that Dante had started having diarrhea. Everywhere. So I took him in to the emergency vet and they started treating him for a bacterial overgrowth in the gut. But when his blood work came back in the morning the blood chemistry showed renal failure and a further workup showed that it was likely due to his age.

IMG_1580In other words, untreatable.

With this news, the fact that his diarrhea wasn’t responding to medication, and he was refusing to eat or drink, I had to decide to put him to sleep. I have never sobbed harder in my life. I had hoped for a few more years with my crotchety old geezer before saying good-bye or to be able to let go slowly. I had not anticipated such a short illness of less than a whole day. The vet’s office was wonderful. They let me sit in the exam room with Dante as long as I wanted, rocking him in my arms, crying, and watching the snow falling outside the window with him one last time. I said “I’m sorry” and “Mama loves you” too many times to count, I kissed his tabby “M” over and over. When I was ready, the vet came and gave him a sedative and the euthanasia solution through his IV while I held him. My Baby Kitty was gone in less than a minute. They let me stay in the room and hold him as long as I needed. Until I felt ready to lay him down and kiss him good-bye.

IMG_5410I have never felt so selfish. I felt so guilty, wondering if I missed something that would have had me taking him for a checkup earlier, that maybe it could have been caught and treated and I would still have my baby for a little while longer.

I came home, laid down on the floor, and sobbed. I held Chaucer until he protested I was squeezing him too tight. I watched as so many friends commented on my post containing the final picture of my Dante, taken just before the vet delivered the bad news. I have never been so grateful for my friends. Even complete strangers came across the post on Instagram or Twitter and offered their condolences. I will never be able to thank everyone enough.

IMG_7434I never had a pet before I adopted my boys. I had fish as a child, but a tank of guppies is nothing compared to a cat. I did not know it was possible to love them this much. I felt ready to break for a few hours. But I made it through the first day of missing him. I called when I got out of the shower “Where’s my Dante kitty?” before I remembered he wasn’t here. I almost cried at the grocery store when I remembered I wouldn’t need as much cat litter. I cried when I got Dante’s collar and tags out of my purse, to hang them on a frame with his picture, and Chaucer came running, crying, when he heard the tags jingle; Chaucer sniffed all around the collar and tags and let out the saddest meow that had me scooping him up to cuddle immediately. I am crying now typing this.

IMG_7955I am writing all this because I don’t want to forget my Dante-kitteh. My sweet, grumpy dude mooing his way around the house. I am so grateful for the social media era, that I took so many pictures. There are times today when I’ve done nothing but sit and stare at my last picture of him. There is no way out of this but through.

Rest In Peace, Dante. Mama loved you so much she had to let you go so you wouldn’t hurt anymore. I hope I gave you the best life a cat could possibly have, with all the love and snuggles you wanted. Chaucer has only just started to realize that you aren’t hiding somewhere in the house, that you’re gone. If you’re watching over us, please help him understand. Love you, Baby Kitty. Always.

In memoriam, Dante Ward, September 1 (?), 2003 – February 17, 2018

black cloud · cats · movie star drool

Oh, what a long day

I was awake far too early for a Saturday – 7:30am. Yuck. Still this did not help the general craziness of the morning because we went to the vetrinarian for our yearly check-ups.

This was not fun. Chaucer and Dante howled all the way to the vet, from the minute they got put in the carriers. I had to make a side trip to pick up some breakfast and make a deposit at the bank; the howling was so awful the bank teller asked if my child was OK (yes, the fur-baby is fine, just mad). When we arrived at the vet, I realized that someone furry had peed in the car; luckily I have a thing for extra napkins so that soaked up most of what leaked out of the carrier. Still, ewwww. The kitty-boys have gained weight this year (again) – one pound each – bringing Chaucer to 14 pounds and Dante to 18 pounds. My kitties are spoiled. The vet and I talked about trying a different diet formulation next time I need to buy cat food.

Back in the car the cats didn’t utter one peep (smelled a little, since Dante not only peed on the carrier but also himself). They didn’t even start crying when the interior of the car got cold – my driver-side window went down when I stopped at the mailbox to send something, made a clunking noise, and then refused to go back up (#@yqe*rt&w$eti&t aka black cloud). Did I mention that it was snowing and blowing today? Fun. Thankfully, I was able to get the car into my go-to mechanics at Boubin Muffler and they got the window back up (changed the oil, too, but I’m going to need to replace the window motor in the door).

I knitted a lot on my scarf today. I’m almost ready to start the last skein (finally); that scarf is really taking me a long time and I don’t know why. It’s just plain knitting (it is a lot of yardage, though).

I finished John Adams last night; it really is a remarkably well-put together mini-series. I’ve been having a chuckle at the number of actors playing “Americans” who hail from the British Isles (Tom Wilkinson as Ben Franklin, Rufus Sewell as Alexander Hamilton, and Stephen Dillane as Thomas Jefferson, to name a few); it does make sense since at the time all our “Americans” were British subjects and more likely to sound like the mother country than the current accents we all have. The acting is quite well done; Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney especially give very moving performances as the two lead actors (Linney also reminds us how tough Abigail Adams was for her time, holding her household and family together sometimes through sheer will and faith). Sarah Polley gave a beautiful performance as Nabby, particularly the scene where Nabby tells her father she is dying (Abigail “Nabby” Adams Smith died of breast cancer at age 48, having previously survived a primitive mastectomy to attempt a cure). Tom Hollander also appears, for less than ten minutes, as King George III and does a marvelous job of looking both unbalanced and regal at the same time; I think it was the eyes. I’ve not read the biography John Adams by David McCullough but I understand from a few sites that the mini-series’ creators shifted some scenes and dates. The production worked well from a purely entertainment point of view, so for that I give it five stars, but I think the producers should have tried for more historical accuracy as to correct persons, places, and dates.

I’ve now got Guns, Germs, and Steel in the player. I quite liked the book by Jared Diamond, so I think I’ll like this National Geographic presentation.

Current book-in-progress: Death Comes for the Archbishop, an ARC for First Look, and I just got Drood
Current knitted item: I will finish that scarf!
Current movie obsession: I recently received DVDs of two Royal Ballet productions – The Sleeping Beauty with Viviana Durante and Zoltan Solymozi and Mayerling with Irek Mukhamedov and Viviana Durante; I’ve had these on VHS since high school and haven’t been able to watch them due to the age of the tape – eeeeee, ballet, fun!
Current iTunes loop: old “All Songs Considered” podcasts (last week iTunes just downloaded like 80 old podcasts, sweet)

black cloud · random


I had a Monday yesterday. For example, I got a parking ticket ten minutes after I put fifteen minutes of money in the meter. How does that stuff happen?

I think people suck. This is nothing new for me, but right now I think one person sucks on an entirely different level. The problem is that I’m not sure who this person is, except that he/she has done something way wrong (i.e. illegal) and I really dislike whoever he/she is right now. He/she will not be a happy camper when I’m finished (and I’m really leaning toward this sucky person being a “he” right now, based on said illegal activity).

I think Tim Daggett is not very bright. He keeps mentioning that Shawn Johnson’s coach, Liang Chow, once coached gymnastics at an Iowa university before opening his own gym. Great, but there’s one problem. Tim keeps saying the university is Iowa State – wrong! Chow coached at the University of Iowa which makes him a Hawkeye not a Cyclone. Get the facts right. Grrrr.

However – WAY TO GO SHAWN!!!!!! That’s how we do things in Iowa. Number 1!!!

Current book-in-progress: The Time-Traveler’s Wife, The Gargoyle (which is really, really good, I was surprised), How Beautiful It Is and How Easily It Can Be Broken, and Feather Man
Current knitted item: seams…but I started a pretty top for myself
Current movie obsession: The Olympics are on! GO USA!
Current iTunes loop: Filmspotting

black cloud

The Joys of Homeownership

It’s really cold in Iowa.

How do I know this?

Because my furnace totally crapped out some time earlier today (maybe last night, who knows). It’s about 50 degrees in my house and about 10 degrees outside (that’s Fahrenheit to anyone not in the US). My fireplace works but it really just heats the living room.

The first repair company I called doesn’t have parts for my furnace. Oh, and my furnace is out of warranty. Laaaaa! Just my luck. So if the second company doesn’t have any parts I guess I get to buy a new furnace. Shitty.

Current book-in-progress: This is going to be a free-for-all night, also known as grab some tea and as many books as are at hand because the house is freezing
Current knitted item: My red scarf when I can feel my hands again
Current movie obsession: Northanger Abbey (yes, I realize the Oscars are on Sunday, but it would help if they would release all the movies more than one week prior to the ceremony)
Current iTunes loop: Chill tracks shuffle on iTunes (John Mayer, Amy Winehouse, Jewel, etc)

black cloud · random · rant

If I went crazy no one would blame me.

And if you do, I’ll kick your butt. I mean it, I’ll be crazy.

Insurance adjusters (particularly the one I’m dealing with) are scum. This one also happens to be stupid. And selectively vision-challenged. And rude. And not particularly interested in maintaining good relations with clients. AAA is going to get an earful.

I’m about to be screwed 110 different ways over this car accident (and also, by extension, my parents as well because they are nice people who try to help out thier kids). I love it. I get plowed into at a red light and I’m the one who’s going to take it up the rear, if you get my drift.

IRB is officially pissing me off. Usually it’s only informal irritation.

I watched some movies this weekend because that’s all I could concentrate on. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix released so yay. Watched a 1982 production of Kenneth MacMillan’s Manon starring Jennifer Penny and Anthony Dowell (now Sir Anthony). Manon is not generally a ballet that I like, there’s far too much exposition between the major points of action, but the redeeming quality of this performance is to watch Anthony Dowell dance; he has the most beautiful ballet line, Royal Ballet trained all the way, and such beautiful control in the adagio. Unfortunately, he’s been retired for the last 20 years, so I have to watch on DVD. Sigh. I also slogged through The Squid and the Whale which is a short movie, but absolutely excruciating in the way that the film is so truthful. Laura Linney and Jeff Daniels are excellent and the actors playing the kids are very good as well. A well-made movie.

Current book-in-progress: Middlemarch
Current knitted item: Christmas sock #2 is mostly done
Current movie obsession: Harry Potter #5